4:32am And All Is Well.....

It is quiet in the household.  The coffee has brewed, cat is fed, irritating cough abated and for an hour or so I know that this is my island of silence. Mmmmmm...wonderful.

Quiet is beauty to my soul.

The only sound is the ticking of the clock behind me and the early birds calling out before dawn.   In a house of 13 - with staff and friends and constant motion - stillness and silence is like gold.

My phone is next to me.  As I type it is downloading photos of the trip to Seattle.  Those flashes on the sidebar of my screen are making me smile.  My first grade teacher who we met in the street, my mother, the home I grew up in, Andy the owner of my favorite Chinese restaurant for 30 years, my baby sister.

People and relationships are beauty to my soul.

It doesn't take long (it is before 5 after all) and I need a refill on the coffee. Standing to refill the robins egg blue one is wonderfully excruciating.  My quads are sore! On Monday I was power hiking the hills of my hometown with Gift - my friend from high school who 30 years later had the nerve and strength to talk straight to me about my own strong willed -  bull in the china shop -  type-A self.  Thanks Gift - not many people out there brave enough to be honest with me about my personality - at leanst not many who live to talk about it.   :) Especially when I'm on a end of winter - got to blow off steam or I'm going to explode - mission like this last weekend. 

Truth-even when it hurts- is beauty to my soul.

On the counter behind me sits a new purse. Fool that I am it isn't locked in the safe - but I'm in the mood to live on the edge and it's making me happy to look at it and there is no gum in it.
It's a little edgy,  a little sexy and nothing about it says mamma.  Which is the point.  Hard to show in the photo but this particular purse...though it has pockets and places for all the things a girl really needs is not about babies.  This is the I think I am done with babies purse.  It's the 'wow....the 11th has gone 2 days without a diaper and only one pair of wet pants" purse.  It has a place for my perfume samples vs the diaper wipe pack and my kindle vs the extra change of toddler clothing.  Sure I may still need a pullup or two for our big kids with challenges but that's a different story.  This story is about me.  It's about remembering who I am, what I'm doing and how God made me.  Loud, fun and really ok as the person I am.  And I really had to buy it.....it matched my Urban Servant advocate cards almost exactly! :)

Being comfortable as myself is beauty for my soul.


It's 5:15 and the dawn is slowly coming. Another damp morning here in the Midwest which is strange for us this time of year. Usually March is the season for this sort of thing not the end of May.   I have another half an hour before the crew starts sliding down the stairs so I might just wander down to watch the city wake up.  I love being so close to down town.  I can walk three blocks, stand at the railroad tracks and see the highrise center as it begins to stir.  Not enough time to make it to the river - but enough to get one peek in at the larger world.

It is beauty for my soul to know I can walk freely some times.

Good morning friends - you are beauty for my soul.................

 

Good News........

Six or so posts lined up waiting for editing here in the que......but breaking news here in the kitchen makes this one pass them all.  With two pills rattling around in the bottom of the RX bottle and a long list of workers both at the state and insurance company on my short list to throw a massive fit at - word just came that the medication I have been fighting for six weeks to have covered by insurance is approved on the fourth appeal.

Wow.

Huge sigh of relief that I don't have to pinch another corner of the budget to ensure this child's safety. One notch lower on my stress level that I can take this file out of my to-do tower.

Phew - the full moons coming and I want to have all my cards in place. :)

Watching Out For Pot Holes In My Hope......

'Hope' has always been a  pivotal word in my life.
When I have it I can move forward -
When it's missing there is bound to be trouble.

Though I write it on my heart each morning
and wear it around my neck as a reminder
I still have to watch
for the pot holes.

You know-
The ones that develop after the seemingly
endless freeze-thaw cycles
in Minnesota (or in life.)
They wait quietly in the shadows
almost lurking -
filled with water
or simply stillness.

If you see them you swerve
when you don't  you are suddenly jolted into awareness
as your wheel drops and your entire equilibrium changes.

I can have pot holes in my hope.

Places that are worn
where water and salt have seeped in
and melting snow has washed away the edges.

Areas I need to find
and focus on
or disaster will strike.

We all know that they don't repair themselves
they continue to expand
until a small hole can flip a bike
break an axel
stop traffic.

Spring has come again
it's time to find the pot holes
access the damage
and get repairs under way.


Before road explosion season is upon us.....
but that is a totally different analogy - for another day. :)

Spring Always Comes.......

  I left Minneapolis feeling like this

honestly it had been a LONG winter

a pounding series of events that left my heart

and my brain

and my margin

worn just a little too thin.

 

Nothing catastrophic in the real sense of the word.

more like the slow dripping sort of tension

that makes snow in May even worse than usual

the sort of thing that brings new meaning to cabin fever.

 

Where you wake up and have to choose joy

choose love

choose to do the next thing.

Because, in reality, that is life sometimes

everyone's life.

Not just my crazy over the top one.

 

And now that season is loosening -

like the snow it is melting and

 I can breath a sigh of relief

stretch my legs a little

straighten my back

bring my eyes up out of the daily grinding battle

and look back into the hills.

 

It is good.

I am free.

I am always free

because I have confidence in who I am at the core.

so that when the winds come

and the darkness deepens

and the storms that seem to last forever settle in

I am not afraid of loosing myself.

though

I might get tired

or sad

or scared

or very

very

lonely

 I am always me.

No matter what.

 

And Spring always comes.

 

 

 

 

(Six hours and 1600 miles after leaving mn my smile is back and my shoulders are dropping....feeling the winter melting away in the Seattle sunshine and sangria!)

 
 
 
 

Friday Funnies: From Don't Touch The Gun to Where's Mom?

No question about it - it's been a wacky week.....temperatures ranged from the 40's to an amazing high of 98'  - to celebrate we exposed our winter bodies to the early summer rays and investigated the spring kill-off of fish.  It was also the open house at 2nd precinct so we took the seven youngest to see all the cool things that our police officers use.....as you see ....Laughter is practicing the game....

Don't touch the Gun!.  This Gun?  This one? 

Yes - as an annual event this is one that might make even the strongest amongst us waiver and reconsider taking the crew too....but I almost always seem to. :)

 That was Monday and Tuesday........

Now it's Thursday leaning into Friday and I'm 1600 miles away overlooking the waterline of Puget Sound in my moms spare bedroom.  Wow.  What a different view from my usual local.  It's a much needed break for me and a little time to help her sort things as she moves further into the downsizing process.  Its a Friday funny just because I am not at home...for the first time in a really, really long time.

 

Are You Afraid Of Violence In Your Home? (Not a serious Post)

It has to be my favorite question asked at the endless series of well-child visits we have had over the 17 years and 11 kids worth of checklists.....
"Do you have any concerns regarding violence in your home?"
Concerns?
Seriously?
I live in a house with 7 boys -  many of whom have impaired decision making abilities and ADHD.  I'm pretty sure that they don't spend a lot of time having tea parties on the back patio their brand of fun runs toward sticks and rocks and speed.  Violence is probably a better descriptive word than many and these are some pretty sweet, tender hearted guys.  But they are all guy - no question about it.

Take Tender - who is about to be renamed - he needs a six year old man name... (Any good ideas for #9?) At about 11:30pm last night I stretched out my foot and made contact with a pile of long bolts under my covers.  It only took me about 30 seconds to figure out he had removed them from the bunk he shares with his brother.
Sigh.
Of course I had to get out of bed and ensure that the four important ones that stop the top bunk from falling into the bottom one were in place. (two out of four were in my hand so it was worth the effort.)
But really? 
Seriously boys? 
Am I worried about violence in the home?  Not so much....but the random testosterone driven dismantling of things has caused me a heart palpitation or two over the years.  Like taking apart outlets and wiring, removing doors, cutting off light switches, unscrewing chairs and removing the bolts from beds. This is what I'm talking about --this is the fun stuff of life. :)

Monthers Day Winners Are.... 3 and 7!

 

Is it you?  I have to go check my lists and translate those numbers into names......

 

The first winner is El and the Second is Mommy Linda. 

Congratulations ladies!  And a happy post Mothers Day Monday to you! 

If you would please email me your mailing address - even if I already have it- I will make sure they are on their way ASAP. 

(It's safe to use the comment tool as all comments are moderated :)

 

Giggles On Me......

Ha....this  mom thought she could salvage the 'church coffee' on Mothers Day by bringing her own GFIC personal size tub of creamers and adding a little more flavor to the otherwise weak (but economical!) brew that is offered on Sunday mornings.  My sneakiness was revealed as I handed out pens to the kiddos at the start of the sermon today and realized that the trickle down my leg was A. not caused by the potty training toddler....B. not a spilled communion cup C. not my own tears at the realization that my daughter who had just finished singing was old enough to have a boy friend....nope.  That trickle was a punctured creamer or two ....drip...drip..dripping through the bottom of my Eagle Creek bag and tricking into my favorite knee high boots.

Of course.

It was the perfect mothers day moment. :p

I had super sticky stuff running down the inside of my leg and NOTHING I could do about it.

Sort of a real-life picture of what being a mom is all about.  Out of control sticky stuff...all over me.  But it wasn't really a problem - shoot - I know a real problem when I see one and this didn't even stink a little but like a REAL problem...in fact it was a blessing in disguise because I got to leave church for a few minutes - all by myself to go dump my purse in the sink and rinse off the pens, my gfriends got a giggle, and in Gods good plans Caribou messed up my friend Jan's BOGO drink order so an hour later I was handed  a frozen frothy mint drink to replace the tepid church coffee I had resigned myself to drink with a happy heart. 

Happy Mothers Day Friends ..............Five More hours to enter the giveaway for my favorite adoption book!

24 Hour Mothers Day Give Away...Starting NOW!

It's almost Mothers Day and I get the fun of giving away two copies of Stacy Manning's  book Adoptive Parent Intentional Parent: A Formula For Building And Maintaining Your Childs Safety Net.  She has them in her hot little hands and 24 hours from now I am going to have our wildest child choose two commenters names to send them off  too.  The first from a list of you who comment to this post with "I want to read the book. " and the second from a list of those who comment "I want to share this book with a friend."  OF course - you might fall into both catagories....so you can leave comments that say both ...perfectly acceptable in our world.

Ready.... Set...Go!  I promise to get the names off to her before the next Manic Monday dawns so that you can have this awesome book in hand ASAP.  Blessings to all of you - and a happy Mothers Day.

Five Life Goals.....

A few weeks ago my friend Erin posted five of  her life goals and asked readers to share some of theirs over at her blog Going to the Sea..... I tried to comment but I had set my Besecure internet blockers so high that nothing (as in not even the administrative over-ride password with super security clearance and death-ray crashing reboot on the computer) could let me post comments on her blog.

Not that there is anything even remotely offensive on her blog.  Unless you happen to hate God or people.  Then it might offend you...I just had a momentary need to 'throw up the fortress walls' and set the 99.9% level over our internet usage until I could get enough margin to reconfigure my brain and figure out how and where the new gaps were in our safety net to control adult and dangerous content...

It was that....or carry the modem in my purse...which gets a little crazy and unreasonable when running a seven laptop network with ten users. :)  But hey...no one ever said my life (and me for that matter -were anything but crazy.)

But I think I digressed.......
I'm right now I am writing a post......
On the internet!!!!!
Which means I have margin to.......
A. get the blasted besecure down to a level that it would let me back into blogger. (whoot!)
and
B. margin to actually stop and write something beyond appeals to denials for the same medications that has been denied HOW many times already? (but we still haven't exhausted all of the appeals to the denials....outside review board level this week now if anyone wants to pray.)

So I thought I would write down my five things........

OF course the first thoughts were strictly off the cuff.....and reactionary to life as I know it.....
1.  To sit down with all 11 of my children at a meal and not have a drink go flying.
2.  To go to the bathroom during daylight hours without someone talking to me.
3.  To sleep through the night without someone thinking I must be dead.
4.  Ha.. How about staying alive.
You get the gist...sort of reactionary to irritants. :)  Human reaction sort of goals.

But with two weeks of building and compounding irritants between those first silly thoughts and this moment,  my fingers are slower...my heart less raw.  I'm sure the last two snowstorms pushed me over the edge and the sunshine has pulled me back.

My five life goals?  The things I want to pray over....to pursue and write on my heart?  They are still not as deep as I would like them to be or as strong but they are here like mustard seeds....quietly sprouting and sending out roots into my life.

My first life goal is to remember. Since seventh grade I have kept journals or notebooks or blogs to help myself remember the stories of people and places and God's seen and unseen hand at work in the world.  My goal with words is to remember the things that God has done and what I have seen.

My second life goal is to care.  It's easy to stop caring.  Last week in India 100 girls were rescued from the sex trade because 'normal' people like us cared enough to get uncomfortable in our own lives and start working to set them free. I talk about addiction, poverty, crime, mental health and po~n all the time with our crew. As middle class American's it's too easy to not care about people who have it 'harder' than us.  My life goal is to make my intentional caring now so much a part of my life fabric that it's second nature...that it wont be intentional...it will simply be who I am by the end of my life.  My goal is to make caring as normal as breathing...God cares about us - that is what the whole Jesus thing was/is all about.  I want to Care.

My third life goal is to move toward suffering.  Human nature - my nature - is to move away from pain, suffering, hurt and ugliness.  My life goal is to continue (in Gods strength) learning how to move - in love - toward my own and others suffering.  I am surrounded by amazing people who are walking down roads I don't understand - usually because I am afraid to ask.  My goal is to learn a new dance - one that is more comfortable leaning into suffering than leaning away from it.  I don't want to be afraid of pain.

My fourth life goal is to love always.  I don't want to love when things are easy or good.  When I am happy or when people do things I like.  I want to love at all times - understanding that love is a choice - a decision and a commitment that is fluid and has boundaries. Love says I will, I do and I am.  Love is yes.  I want to love the people in my live not just tolerate them.

My fifth life goal is to be real from now until I die.  I don't have the time, energy, interest or honestly desire to 'act' perfect any more.  Therefore.....I am officially releasing myself from the American housewife dream trap.  If I gain ten pounds, never dust, bathe the children only when they smell really bad and change sheets on beds never except under extreme duress - I'm calling it good.  And I am doing it publically.  My new life goal is to be real....all out real.  Sometimes I need coffee, sometimes I need wine and sometimes I just need to throw a huge honking temper tantrum REAL.

I guess it would have been easier to just have goals like write a book, ease a friends pain, and add beauty to the world....but shoot - how would I I have filled the last half hour of my day if I had done that? :)

What five life goals do you have? Will you share?

Blessings over your day - overwhelming and abundant joy in the journey.